Wet 'n' wild
Our last day in Vietnam was spent in Ninh Binh province. We were taken around some temple
s and pagodas where some ancient king was buried. Legend has it that this king used to ride around on a water buffalo being all regal - well, as regal as it's possible to be whilst sat on what is essentially a big cow. Outside the temple you could re-enact this event on an actual real-life water buffalo of your very own and, as you know, I'm not one to turn down a photo opportunity with an amusing animal.
Later that
same day we were taken along Tam Coc river by boat, through vast rice fields and acres of water lilies, in the shadow of an amazing range of limestone mountains. Our punt was masterfully rowed by a wizened old crone, occasionally using her wizened old feet, and she took us through caves and tunnels in this mystical land. It was whilst emerging from one of these tunnels that w
e were set upon by an armada of little boats, piloted by local women trying to sell us snack foods and canned drinks. We pleaded with our rower to out-run these convenience store pirates and, to be fair, she managed to put on quite a turn of speed despite her advancing years. Just when we thought we were in the clear, however, she suddenly stopped the boat and whipped out her own crate of souvenirs!
This felt like mutiny! We were trapped. We feared we may never see land again unless we bought a badly embroidered napkin. It kind of detracted from the beautiful surroundings. It was definitely time to leave Vietnam.
We'd been frantically checking the news for days to find out exactly how much of Thailand, our next destination, was underwater. There had been varying stories on the TV and in the papers as to just how bad the floods were and some were pretty much portraying Bangkok as the next Atlantis. Undeterred, we blindly went to the airport anyway (we had to go somewhere - our visa for Vietnam ran out that day) and were surprised to find an orderly queue of people being checked in as normal. Two hours later we landed in Bangkok, breezed through immigration, collected our bags with n
o wait and walked out into glorious sunshine and floodless streets. We wondered what was all the fuss about. We did see lots of shops blocked up with sand-bags in preparation for the deluge and a large number of market stalls were selling wellies, life vests and dinghies - good to see people making the most of a crisis - but no actual water. As we drove through the outskirts of Bangkok, we noticed a large number of cars parked on all the bridges and flyovers and we saw a few people wading through knee-deep water but nothing to build an Ark for.
We were going to Kanchanaburi for no other reason than it was home to "The
Bridge Over The River Kwai". It turned out to be a very nice town with some fairly lively bars and restaurants. W
e stayed in a little bungalow right by the river which meant we had great views but also a nightly barrage of mosquitos. We obviously went to see the infamous bridge and found it to be a bit smaller than I'd imagined and naturally surrounded by stalls selling tourist tat. A rainbow coloured train even trundles across the span every 15minutes carrying a steady stream of sightseers.
There
were plenty of other distractions in the area though. First stop was "Monkey School". Here we s
aw monkeys that had been taught to ride bicycles, play basketball and do maths - one of them was even able to outwit me in a numbers game. Then we were asked to sit in the middle of the stage while a semi-willing simian gave us a kiss in return for a jelly-based reward - a ploy I should have tried back in my pulling days.
Halloween in
Thailand is a strange affair. It seems to be an excuse for drinking lots of shots and dancing like fools. So we joined in. We went to a local bar, run by a girl called Sugar, where lots of people dressed up in whatever they seemed to have to hand which 
meant that there were people dressed as tarzan, the 
Virgin Mary, cheerleaders... there seemed to be a surprising number of people in bondage gear.
The next day we went to an elephant sanctuary for the chance to ride and bathe with the mighty
beasts. It quickly becomes apparent that elephants are not designed to be ridden. You can either sit in a very uncomfortable metal torture device strapped on its back or attempt to sit astride it but, because of its size and constant irregular movement, it's a bit like trying
to straddle a hatchback during an earthquake. The bathing part of the experience took the form of Claire and I sat on the elephant's back while the elephant squirted murky river water directly into our faces. It was di
fficult not to find this funny and as a result it was difficult not to swallow large amounts of the River Kwai. As a souvenir of the day, our handler had woven a ring for Claire using the thick hairs that grow from the elephant's backside. That'll be something to treasure...
SCOOTERS OF THE WEEK
s and pagodas where some ancient king was buried. Legend has it that this king used to ride around on a water buffalo being all regal - well, as regal as it's possible to be whilst sat on what is essentially a big cow. Outside the temple you could re-enact this event on an actual real-life water buffalo of your very own and, as you know, I'm not one to turn down a photo opportunity with an amusing animal. Later that
same day we were taken along Tam Coc river by boat, through vast rice fields and acres of water lilies, in the shadow of an amazing range of limestone mountains. Our punt was masterfully rowed by a wizened old crone, occasionally using her wizened old feet, and she took us through caves and tunnels in this mystical land. It was whilst emerging from one of these tunnels that w
e were set upon by an armada of little boats, piloted by local women trying to sell us snack foods and canned drinks. We pleaded with our rower to out-run these convenience store pirates and, to be fair, she managed to put on quite a turn of speed despite her advancing years. Just when we thought we were in the clear, however, she suddenly stopped the boat and whipped out her own crate of souvenirs!
This felt like mutiny! We were trapped. We feared we may never see land again unless we bought a badly embroidered napkin. It kind of detracted from the beautiful surroundings. It was definitely time to leave Vietnam.We'd been frantically checking the news for days to find out exactly how much of Thailand, our next destination, was underwater. There had been varying stories on the TV and in the papers as to just how bad the floods were and some were pretty much portraying Bangkok as the next Atlantis. Undeterred, we blindly went to the airport anyway (we had to go somewhere - our visa for Vietnam ran out that day) and were surprised to find an orderly queue of people being checked in as normal. Two hours later we landed in Bangkok, breezed through immigration, collected our bags with n
o wait and walked out into glorious sunshine and floodless streets. We wondered what was all the fuss about. We did see lots of shops blocked up with sand-bags in preparation for the deluge and a large number of market stalls were selling wellies, life vests and dinghies - good to see people making the most of a crisis - but no actual water. As we drove through the outskirts of Bangkok, we noticed a large number of cars parked on all the bridges and flyovers and we saw a few people wading through knee-deep water but nothing to build an Ark for.We were going to Kanchanaburi for no other reason than it was home to "The
Bridge Over The River Kwai". It turned out to be a very nice town with some fairly lively bars and restaurants. W
e stayed in a little bungalow right by the river which meant we had great views but also a nightly barrage of mosquitos. We obviously went to see the infamous bridge and found it to be a bit smaller than I'd imagined and naturally surrounded by stalls selling tourist tat. A rainbow coloured train even trundles across the span every 15minutes carrying a steady stream of sightseers. There
were plenty of other distractions in the area though. First stop was "Monkey School". Here we s
aw monkeys that had been taught to ride bicycles, play basketball and do maths - one of them was even able to outwit me in a numbers game. Then we were asked to sit in the middle of the stage while a semi-willing simian gave us a kiss in return for a jelly-based reward - a ploy I should have tried back in my pulling days. 
Halloween in
Thailand is a strange affair. It seems to be an excuse for drinking lots of shots and dancing like fools. So we joined in. We went to a local bar, run by a girl called Sugar, where lots of people dressed up in whatever they seemed to have to hand which 
meant that there were people dressed as tarzan, the 
Virgin Mary, cheerleaders... there seemed to be a surprising number of people in bondage gear.The next day we went to an elephant sanctuary for the chance to ride and bathe with the mighty
beasts. It quickly becomes apparent that elephants are not designed to be ridden. You can either sit in a very uncomfortable metal torture device strapped on its back or attempt to sit astride it but, because of its size and constant irregular movement, it's a bit like trying
to straddle a hatchback during an earthquake. The bathing part of the experience took the form of Claire and I sat on the elephant's back while the elephant squirted murky river water directly into our faces. It was di
fficult not to find this funny and as a result it was difficult not to swallow large amounts of the River Kwai. As a souvenir of the day, our handler had woven a ring for Claire using the thick hairs that grow from the elephant's backside. That'll be something to treasure...SCOOTERS OF THE WEEK
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