Life after Death (Valley)

We were escorted out of Vegas by two B-2 "Stealth" Bombers. It's like they really wanted us to leave. We took the hint. We wanted an antidote to the plastic flashiness of the gambling capital of the world, somewhere more naturally beautiful. And what could be more diametrically opposite than Death Valley? Death Valley is another world. It is literally like being on another planet, or at least those planets depicted in old Star Trek episodes. One moment you can be staring at surreal rock formations, the next you could be stood on an endless salt plain 300ft below sea level. Or, like me, you can spend a lot of time worried that you've just been tricked into visiting an enormous quarry. Of course there were stand out features: "Artist's Palette Canyon" where the rocks are an amazing variety of colours; "Mosaic Canyon" where small rock fragments have been crushed into the cliffs and polished by centuries of flash floods to look, you know, a bit like mosaic tiles; and "Natural Bridge" which is like, er, a natural bridge of rock. There was basically a lot of rock. Too much rock. I was seeing a lot more rock than I needed to see. Are you sure this isn't a quarry?

While we were in Death Quarry we met a very friendly German couple who seemed to be quite excited by the fact that we weren't American. They also told us, with some degree of enthusiasm, about a couple of places they'd been to and that we absolutely shouldn't miss. So, following their advice, we headed to Bristlecone Pine Forest, home to "the oldest trees on Earth!" There were two problems with this: firstly, there is some dispute over whether that claim is true; secondly, the forest was closed for winter. It turns out that the Bristlecone is the oldest species on Earth – meaning that these particular trees might not actually be the oldest, they're just related to them. All of which was academic for us anyway, of course, as we couldn't get in to see the buggers. And didn't we just see prehistoric trees a week or so ago? You can't get older than that surely.

The second place recommended by our new German friends was Mono Lake which, they had told us, had "incredible spires of limestone" rising out from the water. This sounded lovely, so off we went. When we got there, it took us a while to believe we were actually were we were supposed to be. There was a beautiful blue lake and I guess if you looked closely, and maybe squinted a bit, you could just about make out some white rocks sticking out from it but in no way did they measure up to the dramatic stalagmites we had been promised. It would seem that Germans are just too excitable. By this time we were not far from Yosemite National Park, and everyone has told us that is just an astonishing place to visit (one woman even told me it would blow my socks off!), so we thought we should probably go there. Only we couldn't. We were on the east side and the road in from the east side was closed for winter! What was going on?! My birthday was fast approaching and I had wanted to be somewhere nice. Or if not nice then at least slightly fun. A quick look at the map showed that the other entrance to Yosemite was about a million miles away, maybe a bit less, but that Reno wasn't far at all…

Reno is just like Las Vegas only a bit smaller, a bit seedier and a bit shabbier. In fact they should probably consider putting that on the sign as you drive into town. It would certainly make more sense than what they've got now – "The biggest little city in the world" – that's just nonsense. Again, like Vegas, it was cheaper for us to stay in one of the casino hotels than it was to stay in a campsite, plus if we booked two nights we got a third night free – what a bonus! We were staying at Circus Circus which had a 200ft high neon clown stood outside it and a stripy tent-style roof. Classy. Where the clientele in Vegas might wear glittery dresses and sharp suits, here they mostly wore "sweatpants" and had tattooed necks. One couple even got into our elevator with a Rottweiler. It was a little bit more scary than Vegas.

As it was my birthday we spent most of the next three days enjoying all the free alcohol that casinos throw at you while you gamble. This time we abandoned roulette and entered the confusing world of "craps". This seemingly impenetrable game involves throwing a couple of dice down a big table (sometimes off the table if you've had a few too many gins) and betting on which numbers come up. It sounds simple but there are several complicated rules involved. Sometimes everybody wants you to throw a seven, and they all cheer when you do, but then there are times when you apparently shouldn't throw a seven and everyone groans and loses their money. Sometimes if you throw a double six everyone cheers and you get high-fived and slapped on the back by complete strangers, but then the next time you do it everyone swears and orders more drinks. After a while we kind of got the hang of it and we seemed to be quite lucky with the dice. In fact some people were placing extra bets when it came to be our turn to throw. We managed to leave the table with more than we arrived with which even in my drunken state I knew to be a good thing.

We spent the night of my actual birthday at a fabulous Japanese restaurant where we sat around a large griddle while an exuberant chef would juggle ingredients, slice them in mid air and then cook them where they landed on the hot plate. It was great fun and the food was unbelievable – I had spiced shrimp to start and then a simply extraordinary fillet steak of melt-in-your-mouth Wagyu beef served with two lobster tails. It was amazing. And as it was my birthday I even got a dessert with a candle in it and a tiny waitress to play with. Who could want for more?

BURGER OF THE WEEK
Whilst in Reno I tried the Nugget Casino's apparently famous "Awful Awful Burger" with the grammatically incorrect qualifier "It's awful big and awful good". It consists of a very big burger with cheese, bacon, tomato, onions, lettuce, gherkin etc, an unspecified sauce, all served in an onion bun – and it comes with A POUND OF FRIES! It was very big and very nice. I couldn't finish the fries.